I Had to Learn How to Be Loved

It took me six months of healing to even allow the type of love I was chasing in, and even then, I didn’t trust it.

In the spiritual world, we are often sold quick fixes. One healing session. One spell, and all my problems will be resolved. But from my personal experience, that is rarely how I have found it.

I was coming out of a 17-year abusive relationship. I had a lot of beliefs and ideas about what a relationship looked like. I had never experienced a healthy relationship, so I didn’t have anything personal to base it on. And deep down, that thought terrified me. Could I receive that kind of love? Was I allowed to receive it?

And even at that six-month mark, I had only healed enough to allow it in. I didn’t trust it yet. He was going to mess up and hurt me in some way. I just had to keep watching him until he proved me right. And that sounds like a toxic environment, and had I stopped healing there, it would have been.

But I didn’t stop healing once I had found someone. I continued to work on myself, and almost two years in, I am still working on myself. To me, healing is part of who I am. There is always more of myself to understand, more to unlearn, and more room to grow.

The version of me that first got with him was constantly on watch, waiting to be hurt. She was trying to decipher the hidden meaning behind his words and actions.

The version of me that’s with him now? She’s relaxed. She’s confident in her relationship with him. She doesn’t get an anxiety spike because she hasn’t heard from him in a few hours. She doesn’t need to decipher any hidden meanings. She knows that she is safe and secure in her relationship, but she also knows that she would be completely okay should it not work out.